VACANCY

012

I have never missed you more thoroughly and completely as I miss you now. Even before, it was simply the missing of gestures, of bodies and warm skin and routine. I can break down this particular missing into parts: the feeling of your nose against my ear, scalp massages, your eyelashes, spooning, the way you lean your head back and laugh with your eyes closed when I say something funny during sex. It was a noticeable absence; it was a void where something had previously taken up occupancy. It was lack.

Now I miss you wholly. I can still break it down into your laughter, us in the sun, our limbs entwined, the skin of your back, the way you call me ‘moushka.’ But it’s more than a void. It’s not love put on hold anymore. It’s love continuing, even without you here to stoke the fires of my feelings for you, even without you. It’s anticipation, because I know you will be back for me, and we will hold each other and hopefully not be strangers. It’s trust that you will still feel as strongly for me as you did before you left.

I wish you were here. I need you so much.

011

Today, one of my best friends was left by her partner, for no apparent reason, after 17 months. She feels as if her world is ending. I want so desperately to show her that it isn’t, but when we are in pain, we close our ears. Nothing anyone else has ever felt is comparable to the hurt we are feeling now.

You and I almost ended our relationship last week, and it was terrifying and overwhelming. I cried and cried inconsolably, smashed a mug, said things I never meant to say. You said you felt trapped, that you wanted something new. That you were tired of sex with me. It wounded me deeply, and I interpreted it to mean that you were tired of me.

We made it through. Maybe it was because of my pleading, my wrenching sobs, my hurtful words, my willingness to beg.

You took me on a date. I watched you over a twelve-dollar salad, and I realised how badly I love you. How content I would be to stay with you forever. I don’t think you feel the same way.

010

We fight over petty things. I hate fighting with you more than anything else in the universe. You treat me like a child and you refuse to apologise for it, arguing that your actions are just. I refuse to accept your lack of apology. We are both in the wrong; we have both blown the argument out of proportion, but we refuse to back down. We pass each other without meeting eyes. I’m not sure why you do it, but as for me, I just can’t bear it. Because then I feel like crying.

I was lying on my floor in the dark, spread-eagled, an unlit cigarette between my lips. You came in and lay down next to me, your cheek to my cheek. I want to utter a thousand tendernesses to you in that moment. My eyes fill and your voice breaks, but we are both cold and distant. “What do you expect me to say?” I feel like I am crumbling into millions and millions of pieces from the inside out, eyes shut. I feel empty and sad and overwhelmed. I am shaking. You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, but you were drunk. I never know when to believe you.