VACANCY

012

I have never missed you more thoroughly and completely as I miss you now. Even before, it was simply the missing of gestures, of bodies and warm skin and routine. I can break down this particular missing into parts: the feeling of your nose against my ear, scalp massages, your eyelashes, spooning, the way you lean your head back and laugh with your eyes closed when I say something funny during sex. It was a noticeable absence; it was a void where something had previously taken up occupancy. It was lack.

Now I miss you wholly. I can still break it down into your laughter, us in the sun, our limbs entwined, the skin of your back, the way you call me ‘moushka.’ But it’s more than a void. It’s not love put on hold anymore. It’s love continuing, even without you here to stoke the fires of my feelings for you, even without you. It’s anticipation, because I know you will be back for me, and we will hold each other and hopefully not be strangers. It’s trust that you will still feel as strongly for me as you did before you left.

I wish you were here. I need you so much.